Ok, is it just me, or do you find in-store intercoms one of the most frightening things in existence?

You can keep your bombs, you can keep your knives, guns, nun-chucks; nothing is more frightening than an inexperienced customer service rep in front of a supermarket intercom microphone. I promise you.

All it was was an innocent stroll round the ‘big Tesco’ earlier on, minding our own business looking at baby clothes for my honorary nephew’s birthday. (He’s 3, you know.)

/ahem.

So yes, mission had been accomplished, child catered for, clothing, toys, the usual gubbins that he’ll gawp at for 10 seconds then more than likely discard for a far more interesting cupboard door to play with. We’re approaching the escalator to go back down to the 1st floor (yes, big Tesco has 2 floors. Are you impressed?) when, like a clap of thunder overhead, booms the previously mentioned highly inexperienced rep. Firstly, he’s far too close to the microphone, as the sound distorts whilst it reverberates around the cavernous dungeon of commercialisation.

The accent didn’t help (not that I have anything against it), but it was the thickest African (couldn’t pinpoint a specific region, /ahem.), accent, said in the most incredibly aggressive and accusatory way possible. Seriously, I kid you not – it was like a deleted scene from Blood Diamond:

“COULD ALEXA PLEEZ COMM TO DA CASH DESK AT THEE FRONT OF DEE STORE PLIZ, CUS-TOMER WAITING“

We seriously could not believe the sound that echoed round the store – it was truly deafening, and took us so much by surprise, I leapt up and stumbled into the trolley I was pushing with utter terror.

Never mind, if I’ve injured something I’ll just ring up their claims department.

Actually, if they’re anything like the person in this experience this evening, I’ll take my chances. Remember, these people AT the actual store are the people they let you see…

So remember…..next time you need to announce a message on an intercom, please choose someone that’s not going to scare your customers shitless. It’s less messy.